Why Marry?

"There are things about yourself that you are ashamed of or afraid of, but you don’t let the other person see your flaws. And, of course, you cannot show your partner those parts of your character that you cannot see yourself and which will only be revealed to you in the course of the marriage. There is an emotional 'high' that comes to us when someone thinks we are so wonderful and beautiful, and that is part of what fuels the early passion and electricity of falling in love. But the problem is-and you may be semiconsciously aware of this-the person doesn’t really know you and therefore doesn’t really love you, not yet at least. What you think of as being head over heels in love is in large part a gust of ego gratification, but it’s nothing like the profound satisfaction of being known and loved." - Tim Keller

The lovely Tim Keller, the author of the book the Meaning of Marriage which I have been reading, has a whole chapter called "Loving the Stranger," - the premise of which is that you are essentially committing your life to a stranger when you agree to marriage. He says that throughout the course of his marriage, his wife has been married to five different men, while married to him. This thought is echoed by our marriage counselor, Pastor Kyu, who reiterates that there are so many things you learn about each other in a marriage that you didn't know before. My Dad always says that him and my Mom are completely different people than they were when they were only 21 and saying "I Do."

Yeah, I've heard this, but honestly its hard for me to believe!!! I mean, I've been dating Richard for 4 and a half years now, how much more can there be to know? I know that is naive of me to say, but when I try to think about who Richard is, I feel like I have a grasp on him, you know? I mean, I spend most of my time with him, we talk so openly with each other, I have seen many ugly sides of him, and still I have agreed to love him. In the best possible way - I feel like the mystery has evaporated.

When people ask me why I'm marrying Richard, my obvious answer is, I love him!!! We love each other. We are in love with each other and we love each other.

This is why Keller's quote is so unsettling. It unabashedly claims that despite how strongly I may feel that I know Richard as well as I ever will, I do not. It states boldly that there are parts of me, of my own personality, that I still do not know about and will only surface in marriage. Untapped parts of each other just waiting to be discovered. And that's not including things that we still hide from each other because we can, because we still have enough distance between us to be better versions of our raw, unmasked selves.

Keller argues that when I say "I love Richard," the origins of that passion are not the same thing as honest love. And that challenges me a lot! I do think that I genuinely love Richard, and I will not even think otherwise, but Keller is questioning my motives here! 

He is saying that a lot of my feelings of mushy gushy love are actually an emotional high that I am feeling because Richard thinks I'm great. Part of falling in love and being in love is finding the other person irresistible - seeing all these great things in someone else and acknowledging the other person as the center of your world. The other part is the amazing gratification felt when someone looks at you as the center of their's. 

This may seem trivial, but it really isn't. I LOVE that Richard loves me. Every time Richard tells me how lucky he is to have me, I feel great about myself. Every time he is attracted to me, I feel incredible. Every time he says how much he loves me or does romantic things for me or sends me sweet text messages, I am feeling like a million bucks, you know? It is like an electric charge, a craving for attention, praise, flattery. 

Falling in love is really like having a gratified ego. Richard gives me a sense of fulfillment, makes me feel important and special, recognizes things about me that I like being recognized. I love being loved. There is passion in being wanted in that way.

But is that love? That is flattery, romance, and a lot of fun, but is it love? 

I think Keller is trying to say is that this is an element of falling in love, but it is not the substance of it. Mostly because this sort of love is focused on ME. On what Richard has to offer ME. How Richard makes ME feel - and visa versa too. We are feeding off of this mutual attraction, and feel a high off of the power of the way we are making each other feel.

When I read this quote, I immediately identified with it. I know what Keller is saying here, because I do love being in love with Richard. I love when we spend time together just us two and I feel like we are the only two people in the world and I can be free and uninhibited. I love the fact that I can just relax with him and not have to try to impress him, and that he just accepts me as I am. I love that he takes care of me, and that my family and friends love him. I love having person to talk to, vent to at a moments notice.

And all of these things are me focused. When I am honest with myself, I must admit that Richard does gratify my ego. He makes me feel great about myself! I feel fulfilled when I'm with him, he supports and encourages me and that is how I want to feel for the rest of my life!!!

Is this the right foundation for marriage? To be with someone who makes me feel loved? Is feeling loved and actually loving someone for who they are the same thing? Do I love Richard for the man he is, or for the woman he makes me feel I am?

Motives are the key to this question. I find that Christianity is a lot about motives. I always think that God cares more about WHY we do the things we do, rather than what we are actually doing. I think that God wants us to do things with a selfless, humble heart. Doing something great without having the appropriate spirit inside of you devalues it, because your heart was not in the right place. The Bible says that the greatest commandments are to love Him and love others, and if our motives do not align with this way of life, then we are always trying to do good things to please ourselves. 

Why am I getting married? My immediate answer is to think about how Richard makes ME feel. That is not true love, because more than anything it is self focused. Love is about focusing on the other, making yourself less, seeing the other's happiness as greater than your own.

I am not trying to say that I don't love Richard as a man. He is incredible and there are so many amazing things about him that I admire. I am only trying to emphasize that my instinct is not to think about the other. It is to think about myself. 

This breakdown in the way that I think about love has made me really think through what I am expecting to get out of marriage, you know? I am starting to learn that the purpose of marriage is not self-actualization but instead living a life trying to know and love your partner to the best of your ability. Seems like an obvious statement, but it really is a huge shift of focus for me. Shifting from the head-over-heels feeling to understanding that Richard and I really will be spending a lot of time getting to know each other once we sober up from being "in love." That should be the focus of our marriage, understanding and learning each other, focusing on the other, letting go of the need to be constantly fulfilled by the other.

I have been thinking and praying that God would allow me to see the real purpose of marriage. That I would not be getting married for MYSELF, but so that I would live a life learning Richard and doing my best to love him in a real, honest way. 

I love Keller's last line about the "profound satisfaction of being known and loved." That is so much more meaningful, so much more grounded and beautiful than the in love experience. It is the love you feel once you focus on the other, begin building a life where you are committed to loving the other. Being known and loved, that is the dream, that is what I want to strive for. More on that later :)

The Mind of a Fiance...

...after all of the hype has winded down. After the idea of marriage doesn't tickle you pink every time your mind comes around to dreaming about it again. Once it is no longer a sensation that you are living out someone else's (someone older's) life and you come to terms that it is really, truly, actually happening to YOU! Once you dive deep down into the nitty gritty of wedding planning - budget, colors, bridesmaids, flowers, menus, photographs, djs, live music at the ceremony? videographer? tall or short centerpieces? what type of silverware do we register for? - and you can actually picture all the little things coming together to create a LIFE with someone.

The mind of a fiance, at some point or another, is forced to think about marriage.

I know that may sound redundant, obviously from the moment of engagement (and lets be honest, many many many months before that), marriage has been dancing around in my mind. But the idea of a happily ever after, of a shiny ring, a picturesque wedding, a refurbished apartment, an adventure of a honeymoon, and the beginnings of a sex life...thats not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the marriage that sadly hardly ever gets talked about in the wedding world. The marriage that we will spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out. The reality of waking up to someone else for the rest of your life, someone that will be constantly changing just as much as I will be. The heaviness of living with someone and having to consider their opinion equally as important as my own, having to sacrifice that level of independence for another. Knowing that there are things about the person I dearly love, that I also dearly HATE, and forcing myself to realize that those things will not go away, even though in dreamland they somehow get forgotten.

What I'm trying to say in too many words is that marriage is not a fantasy. It is a serious decision that will consume the rest of our lives. It is life after the honeymoon stage that is a real, honest life begins, and that is so easily neglected because talking about wedding dresses and save the dates is obviously more exciting and fun! Who wants to talk about the hype wearing off while the hype is at its hight, right?

This may sound like a weird thing to say, but my whole life I've often felt extremely sorry for a spouse that has been stuck at the lousy end of the marriage deal. When you are saying your "I DOs" after the preacherman says in sickness and in health, you can't imagine a life other than in health. But what about those spouses who get stuck with their partner getting seriously sick, and basically having to play nurse for their loved one for the rest of their lives. I think of how hard it is for my Mom to take care of my Nanny, what a big responsibility it is. I think of how hard it is for my Uncle Danny to have fallen in love with a young, healthy Aunt Denise who was at her fullest, and now have to take care of her very carefully and diligently. There are so many things she cannot do anymore because she just is not healthy. Whenever I see a couple like that, it makes me shiver to think all of the things the healthy spouse must have given up. A life of freedom, of adventure, the way things were so carefree before sickness nestled its way between the two. Whenever I see a couple like that, I wonder if the caretaker wants out just a little bit. I know I would. I always pity the caretaker because I know I would certainly not want to be in their shoes.

My ramblings are all connected to the idea that marriage forces you to be held responsible for another person, no matter what. And that is SCARY. Not only in sickness, but in everything - jobs, mood swings, difficult children, midlife crisis, depression, family issues - whatever life has to offer your spouse, it has to offer YOU, and visa versa.

So thinking of this huge commitment and all that it entails, how can one be sure that they chose the right person to jump in with? Is love enough? Its a sobering thought, and one that I think every engaged couple would be lying through their teeth to say that they haven't thought it themselves. I know I have.

And I think that's okay. I think its okay to think long and hard about what marriage really means. And that is what this blog is for. For me to spit out all of my musings and ramblings on what marriage means to me right now - as I study it, and as Richard and I talk things through with each other and Pastor Kyu, I want to mentally, emotionally, spiritually prepare myself for this shift.

My Dad has told me since I was a little girl that who you marry is the most important decision that you ever make in your entire life. I want to make the right decision. My Uncle Danny has always told me that loving someone is not a feeling but a choice. I want to choose to love. My mother has always said you cannot help who you love. I know that I cannot help loving Richard.

All of these pieces of advice, from people who have made me who I am today, swimming in my head. In between the wedding plans, the euphoria, and the satisfaction of knowing how much Richard loves me, are these thoughts about our marriage. I will share them on here, with some meaty quotes from the authors of three books I have read - The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller, The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason, and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

One day I hope to look back on these posts as a wise, weathered, married woman who is content with who she is and the marriage that she has grown into, and that laughs fondly about the eagerness and naivete of her younger self.