The Mind of a Fiance...

...after all of the hype has winded down. After the idea of marriage doesn't tickle you pink every time your mind comes around to dreaming about it again. Once it is no longer a sensation that you are living out someone else's (someone older's) life and you come to terms that it is really, truly, actually happening to YOU! Once you dive deep down into the nitty gritty of wedding planning - budget, colors, bridesmaids, flowers, menus, photographs, djs, live music at the ceremony? videographer? tall or short centerpieces? what type of silverware do we register for? - and you can actually picture all the little things coming together to create a LIFE with someone.

The mind of a fiance, at some point or another, is forced to think about marriage.

I know that may sound redundant, obviously from the moment of engagement (and lets be honest, many many many months before that), marriage has been dancing around in my mind. But the idea of a happily ever after, of a shiny ring, a picturesque wedding, a refurbished apartment, an adventure of a honeymoon, and the beginnings of a sex life...thats not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the marriage that sadly hardly ever gets talked about in the wedding world. The marriage that we will spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out. The reality of waking up to someone else for the rest of your life, someone that will be constantly changing just as much as I will be. The heaviness of living with someone and having to consider their opinion equally as important as my own, having to sacrifice that level of independence for another. Knowing that there are things about the person I dearly love, that I also dearly HATE, and forcing myself to realize that those things will not go away, even though in dreamland they somehow get forgotten.

What I'm trying to say in too many words is that marriage is not a fantasy. It is a serious decision that will consume the rest of our lives. It is life after the honeymoon stage that is a real, honest life begins, and that is so easily neglected because talking about wedding dresses and save the dates is obviously more exciting and fun! Who wants to talk about the hype wearing off while the hype is at its hight, right?

This may sound like a weird thing to say, but my whole life I've often felt extremely sorry for a spouse that has been stuck at the lousy end of the marriage deal. When you are saying your "I DOs" after the preacherman says in sickness and in health, you can't imagine a life other than in health. But what about those spouses who get stuck with their partner getting seriously sick, and basically having to play nurse for their loved one for the rest of their lives. I think of how hard it is for my Mom to take care of my Nanny, what a big responsibility it is. I think of how hard it is for my Uncle Danny to have fallen in love with a young, healthy Aunt Denise who was at her fullest, and now have to take care of her very carefully and diligently. There are so many things she cannot do anymore because she just is not healthy. Whenever I see a couple like that, it makes me shiver to think all of the things the healthy spouse must have given up. A life of freedom, of adventure, the way things were so carefree before sickness nestled its way between the two. Whenever I see a couple like that, I wonder if the caretaker wants out just a little bit. I know I would. I always pity the caretaker because I know I would certainly not want to be in their shoes.

My ramblings are all connected to the idea that marriage forces you to be held responsible for another person, no matter what. And that is SCARY. Not only in sickness, but in everything - jobs, mood swings, difficult children, midlife crisis, depression, family issues - whatever life has to offer your spouse, it has to offer YOU, and visa versa.

So thinking of this huge commitment and all that it entails, how can one be sure that they chose the right person to jump in with? Is love enough? Its a sobering thought, and one that I think every engaged couple would be lying through their teeth to say that they haven't thought it themselves. I know I have.

And I think that's okay. I think its okay to think long and hard about what marriage really means. And that is what this blog is for. For me to spit out all of my musings and ramblings on what marriage means to me right now - as I study it, and as Richard and I talk things through with each other and Pastor Kyu, I want to mentally, emotionally, spiritually prepare myself for this shift.

My Dad has told me since I was a little girl that who you marry is the most important decision that you ever make in your entire life. I want to make the right decision. My Uncle Danny has always told me that loving someone is not a feeling but a choice. I want to choose to love. My mother has always said you cannot help who you love. I know that I cannot help loving Richard.

All of these pieces of advice, from people who have made me who I am today, swimming in my head. In between the wedding plans, the euphoria, and the satisfaction of knowing how much Richard loves me, are these thoughts about our marriage. I will share them on here, with some meaty quotes from the authors of three books I have read - The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller, The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason, and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

One day I hope to look back on these posts as a wise, weathered, married woman who is content with who she is and the marriage that she has grown into, and that laughs fondly about the eagerness and naivete of her younger self.